Silver Bells


We just celebrated Thanksgiving and I know I should write about how grateful I am about all that kinda stuff...but I'm not going to. Of course I am grateful!

I just want to move onto Christmas like the rest of the world!  Saturday, we took out all our Christmas decorations and our fake tree! I cringe at the fake tree, but you know, it's a great shaped tree. The species of trees in Costa Rica that they use for Christmas really can't hold the heavier ornaments very well.

The box we opened first was the one filled with all of Myah's stuffed Christmas toys that play holiday music by pressing a paw. She has reindeers, bears, a snowman and a moose that crank out Christmas tunes. Jess put the tree up and lights.

It wasn't until Sunday that we decorated the house and tree. I felt a little removed from all the decorating this year.

My ornaments really mean a lot to me. I have collected quite an array of ornaments over the years.  Originally started with my Mom and I going ornament shopping the day after Christmas. Then I started having tree trimming parties when I was single. They were something I looked forward to every year. Basically because it was mine and proved I could create my own festivities.

The tradition continued once Jesse and I moved in together. We had great fun and my Jewish husband even got in the Christmas spirit. Every year he buys me a heart shaped ornament. I love it!

We had a Tree Trimming party last year and it felt forced.  Some of our neighbors came. It was ok. But it was hard for me, because I hadn't had a tree trimming party since my Mom and Aunt were killed.

The night of their accident, I was having a kickass tree trimming party. Our neighbors and friends were there. I also invited Myah's classmates with their parents. The kids played nice and everyone was enjoying themselves. I remember saying to myself, "I've got to call Mommy tomorrow and tell her how great the party went!"  A few years earlier, my Aunt Nancy gave me this bell she used to have in her kitchen when I was a kid. There was string you pulled and it played Silver Bells. It didn't work anymore, but I had it out on one of our shelves in the living room.  I went in the kitchen and looked out into the living room I could see the bell on the shelf and thought my bell has another new life. Of course I planned to also call my Aunt Nancy to tell her that our bell still had some life left.

I never got to make that call to my Aunt. At one thirty in the morning, I got a call that there was an accident and my Aunt was killed instantly. Then at six in the morning, I was called again and told my Mother had internal bleeding and was having surgery. My mother was on life support for the next six weeks. She fought a good fight, but I never got to tell her about my party. The conversations I had with my Mom were one sided. I told her I loved her and what a wonderful Mother she was. All the other things you say at the end. I also showed her pictures of Myah on my phone. That must have been so painful for her.

When I think of this time, I am always blown away that I got through it. Well, having a supportive husband and an incredible daughter helped.  I also have to credit all the hard work I've done on myself, an awesome therapist and the Mother who raised me.

I miss my Mother and Aunt all year round, but Christmas is hard. I'm Italian and there is nothing like an Italian Christmas. My Mother and Aunt went all out with the cooking. It was a food orgy!

My Mom always decorated our house real nice and our tree was a masterpiece. She made sure to get us just what we wanted and baked all the cookies we liked. Everything was special.  My Mom and Aunt grew up with a single mother. My grandfather passed when my Mom was 6 and my Aunt was 4. They didn't have much, but my Mom said my grandmother make it real special for them. So, I guess they took off where she left.

I was a total Mommy's girl all my life! Very attached to my Mom. I spoke to her every day...sometimes more.  My feet don't feel as firmly planted on the ground as they did when she was here. The thing I loved about my Mom was that she loved big and she couldn't do it any other way! And I can't either!!!

Love and Peace!