Owning My Anger
Today I am facing my PTSD in the face! There many facets to this mental disorder but the one I need to be open about is the Anger that accompanies it. I've had a lot of trauma in my life and depression has been the one thing I am most comfortable talking about.
Anger is a really tough emotion...especially for someone who has been traumatized. I really don't handle my anger very well. First, it doesn't help that I grew up in an Italian family where everybody yells all their emotions.
My first inclination is to take whatever anger I have and internalize it...putting it on myself. Instead I should be looking it square in the face and letting the blame be sorted out to the appropriate parties. Honestly, this is why therapy is important; because it is with my therapist that I distinguish where my anger comes from and why I decided to blame myself for everything.
Recently, I have been afforded the opportunity to confront my anger and see how it operates in my life now. I don't feel embarrassed sharing this because I am not perfect and it has been a real opportunity for me. So it could be one for you as well.
This past week, I got angry over something friends of ours did. It really wasn't a big deal but it triggers all the anger that lurks underneath the surface of my life. I did let them know I was angry, but not in the best way. For some reason I got very angry at my husband as well. Go figure?
He confronted me about my anger towards him. His perception was that every time I get angry at someone else, I take it out on him. I didn't want to admit it at first but then I sat with it for awhile.
I realized that underneath I am really angry at him for some things in the past and some things that are going on for us now. Basically, I told him that I angry at him all the time. Isn't that horrible? I love my husband and he is truly the greatest gift.
We are pretty good about sitting down and working things out. Have great discussions about our issues. I feel good that we talked and we both going to take steps to move forward in our relationship. Just because we talked about our issues doesn't mean they disappear. He sees it differently.
This the undersurface anger I have and it really isn't fair to him at all!! Once I could see this so clearly, we were able to look together at my anger and why he wasn't doing some of the things he promised.
Anger is clearly not an easy emotion for me. Now, I am investigating ways to handle it better. One thing I do know is that sometimes it becomes bigger because I don't always believe I have the right to it. Yes, I am a work in progress like all of us.....
Love and Peace!