The Anger in Me
Well, I hope you are all well and keeping a safe distance for now. Having time on your hands can give you time to sit and think about things or watch movies. I am happy to say I've done both!
What I want to share is the breakthrough I had in my anger around the deaths of my Mom and my Aunt Nancy. There were killed in a car accident 4yrs ago by someone who wasn't paying attention to the road.
The PTSD from this trauma has caused me to be more anxious than I already am and fear the worst possible scenario in every situation. It also has caused great grief and a rage inside my soul.The anxiety is an ongoing affair. The fear rides waves and I'm working on that. The grief will never leave.
The rage that fires up at anything or anyone has been simmered. I realized why when I watched the movie "The Shack!" I've let this anger consume me without even looking to relieve myself of it.I now know that I don't need this anger. It only holds me back and keeps me from the love that lives inside me.
It's natural to be angry at the situation, but for how long? And how deep must one let it get?
I've been angry that it happened, angry at certain family members for their behavior, and angry that my daughter doesn't have a grandmother. There's the anger at the young man who killed them. He served no time and only lost his driver's license for 2 years. There hasn't been a time when I felt sorry for him.
Anger has kept me distant from my feelings of loss and the pain of seeing my Mom on life support.Why it's been there so long? It's my armor against the anguish of losing my Mother and my Aunt.
After watching the film "The Shack," I realized I am overwhelmed by anger and judgements. The littlest things have been setting me off. While I have an Italian temper, it has intensified since the accident. I always think of myself as a fair person who loves more than I hate. Truthfully, I tolerate many things about myself and others. There is no room for me to embrace myself the way God does and I value others more at times. I am no different than most when it comes to judging myself or other people. But I am much harder on myself that's for sure.
When I was watching the character confront his anger, I realized how much hurt I was causing myself and my family. It's a lot of work to be angry all the time. The worst is after you stop yelling yet remain in a pissed off mood. Regret, remorse and embarrassment all become present at the same time. It's awful!!
I saw while watching this film that God has been on this journey with me, but I haven't been with God! I have prayed and I talked to God, but was I listening? How I listen to myself and others has been an inquiry this week. I've had the novel "The Shack" on my night table for almost a year. I think God finally got tired of waiting for me to read the book and found Netflix as a way to reach me! I feel so grateful to have this unconditional love that looks out for me.
I've been looking at my family with more empathy and keeping an open door to what they are going through as well. I also think about the young man who caused the accident that took my mother (my anchor) and my Aunt. I can't imagine what it's like to know you killed two people. That is something he will have to live with.
There is a lot going on in the world right now. It all is sad and some things make me very angry about this situation. I've decided not to read the news as much and value this time with my family.
I am not cured by any means, but I am not turning to my anger as instinctively as I did. Today something came up from the past that has angered me, yet I said to myself this isn't serving me. The hurt feelings that I have are causing me to be angry. It's the hurt feelings I need to address because the anger isn't working. Anger is keeping me from moving forward and from my God.
Healing is sometimes a peeling away of layers of hurt and pain. I ache for my Mother and Aunt every day. Some days it's unbearable. This is just a testament to the love my Mother and my Aunt gave me and my family.
Things happen in this life and we get to choose how we want to handle them. Right now I want to let myself off the hook for not being a perfect person and to listen more with love than with anger.
I hope this serves some of you. Sharing this has been a gift because a week ago I was still walking around with the idea that my anger was a right I had to inflict on myself and others.
Love and Peace