Seven Years of Happiness and Counting....



Well, in 11days my beautiful daughter will turn 7. It's hard to believe how fast the time flies.  I've been thinking back to this time 7yrs ago.

I was about to be a mother and turn 50 all in the same month. You may be asking, "what were you thinking?" A very good question. 

Truthfully, I wasn't thinking about turning 50. Here I was growing another human inside my body. I've seen others do it, but it was something I didn't believe would happen for me. 

I remember being on the couch when I felt her kick for the first time; hearing her strong heart beat at our fertility doctors office; watching my body grow and my breasts fill with milk.  An incredible experience to go through. I felt so one with with with the divine universe.

It never bothered me going to my OBGYN and being the old pregnant lady. Probably because I never felt so beautiful in my life. I have to say I was radiant. I felt a deep happiness that I couldn't fully explain at the time. This was good because the world around me was at odds with my choice to become a mother at my age.

It was a hard time for family in 2013. My brother in law was dying from cancer. He was one of the kindest people I've known and he fought a good fight. This was of course a very hard time for my sister and nephew. Of course, I didn't mean any harm by getting pregnant, but my family seemed to think I was the devil incarnate.  One cousin and his wife scolded me for my timing like I was a child. Another Cousin's wife yelled at me to take care of my sister. This particular Cousin's wife couldn't have children, so I got the brunt of her anger. Others were cold to me and others tried to make feel less then. 

All my cousins are older than me. They all got married, had nice homes and families, while all the time I was living on my own in NYC.  Was going to weddings and birthday parties always easy for me? No it wasn't. Did I think they were mean or insensitive for being married and having families when I was struggling with my eating disorder or going through the painful process of healing from being molested and raped. No, I was happy for them, if that's what they wanted for their lives. Especially for my brother and  my sister. 

They hadn't realized that a 49yr old woman just doesn't decide to get pregnant like a woman in her 20s or 30's. I struggled for 3yrs on my fertility journey. On December 14, 2012, I had a miscarriage. That was my first pregnancy. I got pregnant with Myah in February. They didn't know of all the poking and prodding that I went through...or the emotional roller coaster we were on. How my anxiety was tested! And that I even landed in a mental ward for 3 days. 

Then there were my husband's kids, who were never nice, but just pretended to be. Nothing they said or did hurt me, but they did hurt their father. And that didn't seem to matter to them, because their pain was more important than him. 

Remember I spoke of that deep happiness that I felt when walking around NYC in the summer of 2013. That happiness let me enjoy being pregnant. This was the only time I would ever be pregnant and there was no way I was going to let anyone ruin this time for me. Honestly, they didn't.  I enjoyed every moment and all that went with it! 

My Mom and I cemented our bond even further by our daily talks about the different stages of my pregnancy. She was excited to be Grandmother again and I was so excited that she was going to be my child's Grandmother. I love her because she had one daughter who was a grieving widow and another about to give birth. She supported us both so well. What a mix bag of feelings she must have had.

The deep happiness I felt then is now turning 7 in eleven days! Yes, I am an older parent and it may bother Myah as she get's older. I don't know. I still don't care what others think of me being an older parent. They don't know me or my life. 

I am so in love with my child and the person she is growing into. Motherhood is a profound joyful journey. In my life, many things were a struggle and I was also violated. It took time to fight my way back to myself. When I finally did, I fell in love, got married and had a child.  Am I not like so many others?

I thank God for this profound experience and guidance on this journey.

Love & Peace