Coming to Terms with My Fear
Today, I woke up scared and not sure why? Unfortunately that happens to me more often than I like to admit. This sure isn't a feeling I want to embrace anymore. One of things I've been able to see recently is that some of this fear that creeps up on me is self made. It's what I will call my stopper.
I'm not denying this feeling. Look at the world right now? It's crazier than I could ever be.
Last week I was swimming in the pool by myself and I realized that this fear that haunts me can be separated from my inner self. Like I could hold it outside of me and that it was something of my making.
You may ask, "why create this unbearable fear for yourself?" Good question! I think I live in this fear because at one time it protected me, now it's of no use. This question now is how do I take this abstraction I've created and let it go?
My usual course of action would be process it through with my therapist or write for hours in my journal. All good approaches. I just feel like right now opportunity is here for me to have more of what I want for myself and my family and all that is standing in the way is this relentless fear.
Right now this fear is a burden...not like in the past when it stopped me from drowning in a life of self loathing. That's not me anymore. My fear has moved me from a lonely fat girl to a very loved woman with a beautiful family of my own.
When I hit my first real bottom, I realized either I am going to die or I would need to get help. I didn't want to die like this. My mother's voice said to me "don't let them win." The "them" she was referring to were my abusers and those who didn't love me the way I should be loved.
So, with my fear, I went for help 32yrs ago. It was like walking into the jungle with very little water at first. As time went on, there were breakthroughs, new insights, and most importantly, love.
Loving myself, even though it wasn't clear that many people in my life could fathom what it truly means to embrace yourself for all the things you are and all the things you aren't.
Right now in my life, I am in the process of recreating myself again as a successful entrepreneur and writer. Of course the fear that I am facing is like a double-edged sword this time. On the on hand, fear of what it will mean to me and my family if I don't succeed at this new re-creation. And on the other hand the fear of actually succeeding!
You may be asking which one is the old fear and if there is a new made up fear. I think there is nothing new about this fear. It's just a fat girl's fear that kept her from the world because she thought she didn't belong in it.
After 32yrs of working on myself, I know that it doesn't matter if I belong to the world contrived in the media or in a world of my own creation.
I've been creating my life for awhile now with confidence and faith that has manifested a life I am very proud of. It's never been easy and I never let myself off the hook. I'm ready to free myself of expectations that no longer serve me. I have goals and the expectations of these goals being met weigh me down with the fears I've had all my life.
You, see I am my daughters mother and I cannot have her repeating my bad habits. I am not so foolish to think that she won't. I just don't want her to walk around in her life with this weight of fear that everything she does has to have so much heaviness to it.
I've been able to shed a lot of things and enjoy my life through my faith. My prayers are being answered for I've been a prisoner of this fear for a long time. I understand it now and that it's not the useful tool it was before. This self created fear no longer serves me.
As long as I see it as an abstraction of my old self, the less it can weigh me down. The more I focus on my goals and keep moving forward, the less of a hold it will have on me. What I need to do now when this fear comes up is thank it for helping me in my past struggles, but I am okay now. I know what to do!
Love and Peace