Facing Down My Anxiety
The time for me to face my anxiety came about a month ago. As you recall my last post was how paralyzed I felt from it! It has been keeping me from moving forward.
Moving forward a few weeks ago didn't seem possible. How did this sudden change come about? To be honest I was on my knees with the frustration of it all.
Usually from that point of view, there is only one way to go and that is up. But how?
I called in the big gun! My therapist in NYC. I was her client for 14yrs. She knows me and my bullshit. You see I kept thinking I was using my anxiety as a way to sabotage myself. Clearly I believe I was doing this, but I wanted to see through it and knew my therapist would be able to get me there.
All she said was, instead of pushing away the fear and anxiety, why don't I confront it. Look at it and maybe communicate with it. This suggestion scared me but made sense. After our Zoom call I felt on purpose. How would I confront my fear and anxiety?
It felt like a show down you see in old movie westerns. Me with my guns called faith and self love and my opponents with their fear and anxiety weapons. It did feel like a draw and has been that way most of my life. This time my faith and self love Kicked Ass!!!
I sat down with my journal on our lounge chair in our jungle filled yard. It was peaceful. Prayed for a bit. Then opened my journal to a clean page and wrote about my first trauma that occurred when I was 5yrs old.
It was very detailed because at 58 I can still remember all of it so vividly. Then I went on to write all the things I made myself wrong for in relation to this incident. After that I wrote a letter to my 5yr old Gina. This all just flowed out of me as I started writing. It turned out to be 33 pages and will probably be in my book.
After I wrote all of this and read it to myself I could feel this release of my fear. I am not that frightened 5yr old girl anymore. I've been operating from that place for 53yrs. Now, I appreciate all that this 5yr old accomplished despite the fear and anxiety.
The results have been coming at me pretty fast. I no longer wake up anxious and fearful of what the day will bring. First time in a long time I feel real possibility of achieving my goals.
I've shared my writing about my trauma with my husband, my niece and best friend. Releasing it into the universe with people who love me for me.
It was my willingness and the decision to confront this trauma in a different way than before. I had dealt with the anger and hurt but at the time I didn't have the level of self love to forgive my 5yr year self.
I've been working on myself for 32yrs and grateful for my journey. I am also grateful for my relationship with God. You know you never really walk alone.
I dedicated this journal entry to my cousin Michael Portantino because this journal entry landed on his birthday and he was a fighter. Unfortunately he killed himself 11yrs ago. Love and miss him.
Love and Peace Always!