She Growing Up!!!!

Photo by Jesse Epstein


I think it should be said and probably has that parenting isn't exactly what you thought it would be. I'm not complaining at all. I have a great kid. There are so many things to it that I guess I imagined but never thought would happen.

Myah is two months shy of turning 5 years old. It has gone by so fast and I am not ready for her to grow up! My baby is gone and this adorable little person is in her place. She can be so loving that it makes me melt completely. Then she also can be little miss "mouth." Back talk is something that should be banned!!

I'm having a hard time with her getting big. She is my only child and the biggest miracle of my life. I read when I was pregnant that parenthood is about letting go. I didn't understand what it meant and it sounded bleak. Though I have to say it's true. Every growth stage has included letting go in some way.

My first real "let go" was when Myah was 4 months old. We hired Marlenny to watch Myah twice a week for 5 hrs each day. My memory of the first day Marlenny came was that I felt like the worst mother! Myah was crying and it took Marlenny time to get her quiet. I think I had therapy that day. Thank God!

Once they start walking is when it's really over! They are mobile and loving it! Running away
from you is what it's all about!

Then at 2, Myah started nursery school. She didn't miss me one bit! On the first day we sat in class with them to help the transition. Myah took off into the other play room and I didn't see her until it was time to leave! I was so proud of her, but had a little tinge of heartache.

When Myah was 3 she was in the "Nutcracker" ballet at the Joffrey Ballet School. She was a Christmas Tree. She really wanted to perform on stage, but during a tech rehearsal she got scared and started to cry. I was at the school volunteering and they brought her to me. It was then I had to have a serious talk with her.  I told her it was okay to be scared. This is something new and sometimes new things are scary. I hugged and kissed her a lot! Then I explained that, even though she was afraid, she could still perform. Bring your fear with you if have to or let it go. Either way, it's still possible to dance. We went back upstairs and watched rehearsal for few minutes and she went back in. I stayed and watched for awhile. You have to understand that my heart sank the whole time when I saws her fear and how she was being stopped by it. When she went back in and was okay, I felt so proud of my 3 year old ballerina.

The whole year she was 3 was fraught with change and letting go. It has not been easy for us to move and Myah misses New York. She really misses Marlenny and her friends. I think she has adjusted well. I know at times she feels out of place and honestly so do I. We make it work. I have no idea how our move will impact her in the future? All I can do is let her have her feelings and talk to her about them.

Now 5 years old is a whole different ball game. She is becoming miss independent. Look, I am happy about that. It's just that I miss my baby! She is learning to write and spell already! In a few weeks, she starts Kindergarten. That's it! College will be here soon enough! I know she will always need me, because even though she's becoming more independent, I will always be her sounding board. Ask how I know this? Well, I moved to NYC and for 32 years I called my mother every day, sometimes more than once a day. A day still does not go by since my mother's death that I haven't wanted to call her.

Myah was two when my mother passed. She talks about her all the time and I guess that's partly because I do. A few weeks ago she said what she remembers about her Mommom is that she hugged and kissed her all the time. My Mother did that!  Two nights ago, my soon to be 5 year old said to us at the dinner table. " I don't miss Mommom too much." We asked why and she said because "Mommom lives in my heart." Of course I started to cry because that's what my mother would want Myah to feel.

Helping her let go of her fears and find her place is exciting. Every day I look forward to experiencing this little beautiful soul and watching her expand her world.

Thank You God for this precious gift called Myah! I also thank you for giving a worthy partner (My Jesse) to share all of this with me.

Love and Peace!