Examining My Anxiety

Hola!

Here I am in my bed looking out towards my yard that is a small jungle. Our puppy Spike is on the bed and my husband sits next to me looking at Instagram on his phone. Sounds blissful doesn't it? 

I wish I was feeling the bliss, but right now my insides are nervous and frantic. The anxiety I feel right now is a constant lately. Granted I do suffer from major anxiety disorder and PTSD.  My meds aren't working and I feel like I am doing all that I can today. 

It is really hard at times to separate myself from knowing I have mental illness and that some how I can control it. There is no control...just managing. This is something I have been really good at in the past, but not this time. 

What just came to me is maybe I need to change the way I manage it? I don't even know what that would look like? All I know is I am tired of being a bundle of nerves!

Right now I am at the point that I get with my depression and that is "sick of myself." I'm not angry with my situation or myself but frustrated. It's hard sometimes and you know it's okay. 

Why is it okay? Well, it's where I am at right now and it's also a place for some growth. Growth comes when I become willing to dive into my psyche to see what's going on. 

I don't think any diving will be done today. Instead I am going to my daughter's school to see the Halloween parade and give an "In Our Own Voice" presentation online to patients in the Lenox Hill Hospital Mental Ward.

Yes, I am anxious about all of it! I'm stopped in some areas in my life like work right now but not in the rest of my life. 

The one thing I can say about myself is that no matter how anxious or fearful I am, I don't always let it stop me . I still participate in life. It's usually a certain part of my life that my anxiety over takes.  Then vibrates through out my entire being. 

It's not comfortable or welcomed...but it's me!

Love and Peace!

Gina