Uncertainty.....

Hola,

It's been some time since I sat down to write a blog. To be honest with everything going on in the world I've had a hard time deciding on what to write. Then while navigating some depression here I decided to put down a little of what is going on with me.

While searching for triggers or reasons why my depression came on the word grief kept coming up. What am I grieving? Of course I grieve for my parents every day but this grief I am feeling is deep and like I am mourning my own personal loss. 

The personal loss of my identity as a woman who braved the world with her weary hurt and now has decided to be in the wilderness with my wild heart. Owning my power and standing up to be a published author and having my voice be heard through words in a way I've never done before.  Speaking my truth and revealing myself is very scary. Being vulnerable to the world with my life's journey so far.

Then I realized what I just wrote about why I was depressed is really a privilege. Because what I see as even deeper grief is the one I feel for our humanity right now. This hit me in May, when my daughter Myah was in the hospital. Our first experience with universal health care and she was very well taken care of but the hospital was over flowing of people every day. Waiting to get help or prescriptions. It didn't help that we were in the middle of San Jose. I realized either with Universal Health care or private insurance, we still have to fight for decent care for our bodies. This shouldn't be something some get and others don't or that the system is too saturated that we don't get good and timely care.

If you look at what is going on in the world it's so inhumane!! All the hate, anger and greed! it's all too much for any of us to bear. Every day is something else in the news and it's really hard to avoid. What has come to be is this big bubble of uncertainty and that has jolted me into a state of despair.

The despair is that I've always have had the privilege of setting goals and achieving them while I transform as they come to fruition but now the uncertainty that I have is not just my own insecurities or fear but the uncertainty of the world I knew or at least I thought I knew. 

Uncertainty, for most is hard but when you are someone that has been through traumas the uncertainty becomes like a threat. Is it coming again? Will I be able to rise above it again? How much more can I take? This is all very real and I know it's not just me.

This is where my faith comes in and my connection to my God has to be stronger than this uncertainty. Right now I know this in my heart and mind but it's a bit of a struggle. I walk through my days with having an open mind and heart to whatever God has for me but again this a privilege and one that I worked for very hard. Faith is an ongoing evolution and I have to remind myself of that all the time. 

The other day someone asked why I don't show myself mercy. It stopped me in my tracks because I believe in a merciful God and I wasn't giving myself the mercy that is so rightfully mine. Compassion for my fear of the uncertainty and what my future may or may not hold. 

My prayer is that I wish humanity would rejoice in the magnificent world we live in and all our accomplishments as humans instead of being cruel, hateful and greedy. 

Love and Peace

Gina