The Holidays... Love and Loss

Dear Readers,

As the Christmas Holidays are here, I wanted to share how Christmas has been for me these past 10yrs since my Mother and Aunt's fatal car accident on December 12th 2015. There is no point in reliving the trauma with you right now. I just want you to know that my Aunt Nancy died instantly and my Mother was on life support for 6 weeks. 

Growing up in an Italian American family we did all the traditions. The 7 Fishes on Christmas Eve and Big Christmas Dinner the next day. Sometimes midnight mass. What I remember most was how both my Mother and Aunt put all their love into all the food they made and the magic they brought to every part of the Christmas Season.

My mother went to great lengths to make sure it was a magical Christmas morning for us when we were children. Then when the grandkids came, even more so.

Every year since the accident I really don't know how I am going to feel on Dec 12th or even on Christmas.

As much as I love living in Costa Rica, I miss New York City this time of year and being with my family... especially my sister. 

My daughter has made it a lot easier through the years because of her excitement and her desire that we make magical memories for her. That has been how I've been able to get through this time of year. Myah is 12 now and no longer believes in Santa Claus and is entering her teen years soon. 

So, now I have been dreading December 12th this year because my PTSD has been very active for over a year and finally in the past few months I seem to be coming out of it. I am in a good place spiritually, emotionally and physically. 

How do we handle all the emotions of loss, loneliness and sadness that comes with this Holiday Season? There is no easy answer to any of this. As I said before, my daughter helps me through her excitement but now I find myself a bit adrift.  

Right now, I have to look into my tool box of coping mechanisms that I have for dealing with my mental and spiritual health.  What magic can I pull out of there? I've been thinking about this for the last couple of days. My standard go to is journal your feelings, get out and walk around. Those help so do them if you feel the need to. 

I guess what else I am taking out of my tool box is something simple and that is Gratitude. Gratitude for a Mother who loved me and was there for me and Aunt who loved me like a daughter. My tears of grief are from the love that was freely given to me. 

Now, I have my own family...something I never thought would happen for me. I have a husband who let's me be me and a daughter who lights up my whole body just thinking of her. Friends and family who love me and who are there for me. I am overwhelmed that God has guided me to create a life that I love and best of all to love myself.

It doesn't matter if you are surrounded by family and friends this time of year, but what does matter is what's inside your heart and how you embrace your life, especially if it isn't going the way you want it to go. I've been there many times and when I decided I wanted more in my life I was able to create my situation for myself for the better. Don't go down the rabbit hole of despair, especially now with the way the world is. 

Love is always available to us through our spiritual beliefs and the love we hold for ourselves. "Be grateful for all the things you do have and stop looking only at what you don't have." A quote from my daughter Myah when she was five. 

I know it's not always easy to move to the light when stuck in the dark. What helps me when I am there in the dark is just knowing the light is there when I'm ready to step into it.

I wish you all a wonderful Holiday Season and Thank you for your presence in my life!

Love & Peace 

Ginamarie